


dangerous conceits

by attack_on_toast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, M/M, Snakes, for the hkqnet april gift exchange!!, i feel kind of obnoxious putting all the different relationship tags in but whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6601192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_toast/pseuds/attack_on_toast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Akaashi has a snake, Bokuto likes snakes, Kuroo can't catch a break, and poor Kei just wants everyone to please stop for the love of god snakes are really creepy and he Does Not Want To Deal With This Today, Thank You.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dangerous conceits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spacekuroo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacekuroo/gifts).



> Ahhhhh i love this pairing so much they are my #1 ot4 i s2g
> 
> I hope i did them justice!!! i was really nervous about writing this because i love them so much and i didn't want to mess it up and i'm still not 100% happy with how it turned out but ya know
> 
> Thank you tons to ray (kxrasuno) for the beta!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it bri!!!!

Tsukishima Kei put up with a lot of shit for his boyfriends, he really did. He had dealt with the time Bokuto set his hair on fire with surprising grace and calmness, for someone whose head was literally burning. He had only screamed at Kuroo a little the time he convinced Kei’s entire family that he was pregnant. He had even forgiven all three of them after the disastrous Cherry Banana Pie Incident.

 

But this was where he drew the line.

 

“What the fuck is  _ that _ ?” He screeched, upon entering their shared apartment and finding a small, furry thing in the middle of their living room floor. He heard Bokuto’s hearty laugh from the couch, and Kei couldn’t suppress shiver, allowing a feeling of dread to sink into his bones.

 

“It’s just a mouse, Tsukishima. Please quiet down, you’ll startle Iago.” Akaashi called from the corner, where he was lining an empty fish tank with old newspaper.

 

After pausing for a moment to stare suspiciously at the furry thing, tracking it for any signs of movement, Kei dropped his backpack and headed over to the couch, sitting down on the side not currently occupied by Bokuto. “I don’t think I can startle it, Akaashi. I’m pretty sure Iago’s dead.”

 

Bokuto laughed again. “He’s not dead, Tsukki, Iago’s right here!”

 

And that was when Kei noticed the four foot long, giant snake.

 

That was also when Kei screamed.

 

After jumping off of the couch and backing away a considerable distance, he finally began to get his bearings once more. “There’s a snake on Bokuto’s head,” Kei hissed, once he had recovered from the initial shock of seeing the very large reptile.

 

“Yeah, isn’t it cool?” Bokuto gushed, trying to look up at his own head, where the snake was currently perched, its tail winding down his neck to his shoulders. “Do you want to touch it Tsukki?”

 

Kei shook his head rapidly, still slowly inching away. “Why,” he asked, quietly, his eyes now glued to the snake, watching carefully for any abrupt motion, “is there a snake in our apartment?”

 

“It’s mine.” Kei’s eyes immediately snapped to where Akaashi was standing, still unconcernedly lining the bottom of the fish tank with some old notebook paper. “I got Iago when I was fifteen.”

 

Kei made a small noise that sounded a little like a whimper. “If you got it when you were fifteen why is it in our apartment?”

 

“My mom told me she would release him if I didn’t take him back. He lives with us now.”

 

“Oh, wonderful,” Kei murmured. “Well, if you need me, I’ll be over - ” he quickly surveyed the room for an unoccupied corner. “- there. Where the snake  _ isn’t _ .” He backed away carefully, never looking away from the snake, and plopped down in the corner of the room farthest away from Bokuto and Akaashi. He drew his knees up to his chest, trying very hard to compact himself into the corner and disappear.

 

“So, we have a snake now.” Kei said, trying very hard not to scream again and annoy the snake in question.

 

“It’s a ball python.” Akaashi supplied helpfully, holding out his arm near Bokuto’s head and allowing the python to wind around it.

 

“Okay,” Kei started again, shuddering slightly at the sight of a snake creeping down his boyfriend’s arm. “We have a ball python now.” Akaashi nodded. “Named after an manipulative murderer in Shakespeare.” Akaashi nodded again.

 

“Wait, wait, I thought it was named Iago?” Bokuto asked from the couch, feeling very left out without any attention from either his boyfriends or the snake. 

 

“Yes, Bokuto,” Akaashi sighed, finally looking away from Iago to cast a disappointed look at his boyfriend. “Iago is from Shakespeare. You read Othello in English Literature last year, remember?”

 

“You named him after a bad guy in some old play?” Bokuto exclaimed, paying Akaashi’s glare no heed. “Badass!”

 

“What’s badass?” Kuroo asked, opening the door and taking off his shoes. “And why is Tsukki huddled in the corner?”

 

“Akaashi has a snake.” Kei said morosely, looking desperately up at Kuroo. Kuroo was reasonable, right? Out of the four of them, he was certainly more sane than Bokuto, at least. And  what with Akaashi’s sanity seriously in question now that Kei discovered that he had willingly kept a snake when he was a teenager, Kuroo was the only one left he could turn to. Surely, he would understand Kei’s disaffection with the morbid creature and unwillingness to accept it into their home. 

 

“Badass!” Kuroo cried, rushing over to where the snake was winding it’s way across Akaashi’s shoulders. “What’s its name?”

 

“Iago,” Bokuto jumped up and bounded over to  the other two, caught up in the excitement. “It’s from - ”

 

“Shakespeare?” Kuroo finished, eyes wide. “Oh man, Akaashi, that’s awesome!” 

 

“Does everyone know about that guy except for me?” Bokuto grumbled, and Kei called over a dull “ _ yes” _ from his corner of solitude.

 

“Can I hold it?” Kuroo asked, pointedly ignoring Bokuto’s disappointment as Akaashi carefully transferred the snake from his arm to Kuroo’s. All four of them watched, transfixed, as the snake crawled up Kuroo’s arm and wound around his shoulders.

 

“Woah,” Kuroo breathed, shivering slightly as the snake’s cool scales touched his bare skin. 

 

“Oh my god,” Kei hissed, watching Iago wind up and around Kuroo’s neck. “It’s going to choke him!”

 

“Relax, babe,” Kuroo laughed, glancing over to where Kei was still curled up in the corner. “It’s not going to  - oh wow okay, maybe it is - ” Kuroo began stuttering, as the python fully encircled his neck.

 

Kei’s look of mild panic escalated into one of full blown terror as he jumped up and ran towards his boyfriend. “It’s strangling him! Bokuto, Akaashi, do something, it’s going to kill him!”  

 

“Kei, please calm down, you’ll startle Iago,” Akaashi murmured, stroking the python’s head to get it to release its victim. After a moment the python uncoiled itself from Kuroo’s throat and slithered down onto Akaashi, who guided him into the newly lined lined fish tank.

 

“I’ll startle Iago?  _ I’ll  _ startle Iago?” Kei hissed. “Akaashi - ”

 

“Kei, baby, please calm down,” Kuroo cut him off, wrapping his arms around Kei and rubbing soothing circles on his back. It occurred to him that in situations like this it was usually the person who had almost been killed who needed comforting, not a bystander, but he ignored it.

 

“I am,” Kei took a deep breath, “ _ perfectly _ calm. That  _ thing _ \- ” he gestured vaguely over to where the snake was currently coiled upon itself inside its fish tank, “-just tried to kill my boyfriend. So forgive me if I’m a little flustered.” 

 

“It didn’t kill me, I’m okay,” Kuroo said with a chuckle, pulling Kei closer and pressing a kiss on his temple. Kei buried his face into Kuroo’s - thankfully not strangled - neck, breathing a soft sigh as Kuroo leaned into him. “Though I wouldn’t mind being almost strangled by pythons if it gets you to be this worried about me, “ he murmured into Kei’s hair, causing him to make a disgusted face.

 

“It wasn’t going to strangle him,” Akaashi reassured. “It was just trying to get a grip so it wouldn’t fall.”

 

“Yeah, trying to get a grip on his neck and  _ kill  _ him.” Kei scoffed, extracting himself from Kuroo’s arms. “I trust that thing about as much as I would trust the real Iago.”

 

“Don’t worry, Tsukishima, he’s not going kill anyone, I promise.” Akaashi smiled and leaned up to press a soft kiss on Kei’s cheek.

 

“Tsukki, why do you hate snakes so much?” Bokuto complained, throwing himself back onto the couch, leaning over the armrest so he could watch Iago.

 

“A snake tried to eat me once.” Kei said, petulantly.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“A snake did not try to eat you, Tsukki.” Kuroo mumbled, collapsing onto the couch next to Bokuto and pulling Kei onto his lap. “You scared it, and it was an accident.”

 

It was true, though. When he was young, Kei had had a rather unfortunate encounter with a rather angry Japanese Rat snake, and after being bitten twice, his three year old self had decided that he had had enough of snakes for the rest of his life.

 

That was, of course, before his boyfriend brought a ball python into their shared apartment.

 

“Oh,” Akaashi murmured, after hearing Kei’s story. “I’m sorry about that. I’m sure Iago would never bite anyone one purpose, though.” He squeezed on the couch next to him and Kuroo. With Bokuto already sprawled over the other side it was a tight fit, but with a little shifting around, they all managed.

 

Kei refrained from pointing out the obvious yet again.

 

“I’m really sorry that he makes you uncomfortable.” The sincerity in Akaashi’s voice made Kei feel slightly guilty about his overly dramatic reactions to the snake.

 

“No, it’s fine.” Kei muttered. “I’m overreacting. I’ll get used to it.”

 

“Really, Tsukishima, it’s okay,” Akaashi insisted. “Most people who aren’t those two idiots would be pretty freaked out too.”

 

Kei nodded slightly, looking back over at the snake, who seemed to be dozing off.

 

“I could…” Akaashi’s voice trailed off, and Kei knew he too was looking at the snake. “I could ask my mom to take him back, if that would make you feel better.”

 

Something warm twisted inside his chest at Akaashi’s words. “No, really, I’m fine.” He sighed. “I’ll get over it.” 

 

Akaashi gave a soft hum in response, and leaned his head onto Kei’s shoulder.

 

Maybe Kei could learn to live with the snake. Maybe bringing a snake home wasn’t the worst thing that his boyfriends could’ve done.

 

Bonus:

  
“Tsukki, trust me, it’s really cool, just touch it!”

 

Kei gingerly put his hand, stroking across the snake before snatching it back. Both Bokuto and Akaashi turned to him with an expectant look. “It feels… weirdly… scaly. I don’t really like it.”

  
Kuroo snickered from where he was lying on the floor. “That’s not what you said last night.”

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from Iago's line in Othello:
> 
> Dangerous conceits are, in their natures, poisons.  
> Which at the first are scarce found to distaste,  
> But with a little act upon the blood  
> Burn like the mines of sulphur.
> 
> Because I Am A Mess


End file.
